Burning the T-Shirts Series: Part 2 of A story of Healing, Boundaries & Becoming

Welcome to Post #2 of my “Burning the T-Shirts” Series: on Marriage & Divorce

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When “Best Wife Ever” Stopped Fitting - A journey of  Living in Fear, to Finding my Truth

Welcome back to the “burning the t-shirt’s” series.

Previously, I shared how grief was the key activator to my healing and awakening journey.. If you have not read this initial post in this series, you might want to circle back to blog post #1  so you have more context.

Now I will share with you another exceptionally difficult chapter of my life, which had me wearing a rather uncomfortable t-shirt.

This was a pretty pink shirt with a flattering waist and neckline.

It had “Best Wife Ever” written across the front of it in big shimmery silver letters. 

Why?? Well, it was not because I thought I was the best wife ever… but because I expected myself to be.  This t-shirt was the one that I really really wanted to fit me! I wanted to do this “right”.

As I supported my husband through 11 years of university,  I tried to be patient. But sometimes my resentment showed up as complaints, which I ended up feeling guilty for, because I was supposed to be supportive as a 'good wife' should .... as I patiently waited for life to start again.   The life we had prior to this was very adventurous and social.  Meanwhile we also had a baby, so I also attached myself to being the perfect mom too, which was more difficult to achieve while unhappy about how my once fun marriage was now a constant waiting game.  Or at least I thought this was the problem.

On the surface, it looked good. We had a relatively healthy, harmonious and simple family life.  But the truth is, I was unconsciously living from a place of trying to please others, to align with societal programming. I needed to fit the “perfect wife & mom” picture so that I would be accepted. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this meant managing both his energy and mine, as a way of trying to control the outcomes, to fulfill this idealization.

Talk about exhausting!! Something deep inside was missing….

Little did I know, this shirt was going to get itchier and tighter the more I played the game of “happy wife - happy life” - a.k.a. micromanaging everything to try to maintain some form of control so as not to upset my idealized vision.

Eventually it became too tight, especially around the neck, as I eventually realized I was hiding my truth.  But I kept hiding this truth … out of very deep fear.

The tension became too great to manage!

I kept needing to take it off… but then I would put it back on again. 

I mean, it still looked good.

I kept telling myself that it should feel good too, especially after all the healing work I was doing to “fix myself”, to make it all better.

I tried everything to make it fit -bleach for stains, tailors for worn out seams, patches for holes. What this meant in reality was a lot of healing sessions, Feng Shui on the house, trips on my own, workshops, buying a camper, and all the other “fixes” - aka distractions - that I used to unravel my inner conflict, emotional confusion, and past baggage that made it hard to feel safe in intimate relationships.

In the end, I had to admit that my soul deeply desired something very different, and that my marriage was rooted in fear, not authenticity.  I was unintentionally lying to myself and others, as I tried to fit the ‘good girl’ mold. My broken and tired heart eventually realized I got married before I truly knew who I was, and that I was hiding myself in my marriage.

Of course, these patterns affected other parts of my life, some of which I am still

unraveling. While influenced by societal and family programming, they were also my soul’s lessons in authenticity, self-love, and how to be in relationships without doing, pleasing, and controlling.

The marriage simply brought it all to the surface.

Can you relate to these kinds of internal pressures and patterns too?  Bending and morphing yourself to fit into something that you have been programmed to believe is the best way,  yet finding yourself feeling empty and confused about why you are not as happy as you “should” be? 

In the end, I had to burn the “Best Wife Ever” t-shirt (it's shadow name was “unconsciously married”) and replace it with the “Consciously Separating” t-shirt.

This t-shirt was not pink or pretty! It was the baggy one you get out when you are ready to paint the house, roll up your sleeves and get messy. It ended up with more with rips, tears and frayed hems, all of which I tried to hide with a nice blazer… because conscious separation was the only path I was willing to take.

This disheveled t-shirt led me further down a rich path of deep healing, eventually

reaching a peaceful & harmonious destination. I could finally let go of an immense

amount of inner tension, shame, guilt, and deep sadness.

From the experience of both these t-shirts, I learned:

• Compassion & patience - with myself and others.

• About the courage & strength that I never knew I had.

• How to dig deep into the far dark corners of my being.

• How deeply lying to myself affects everyone else too - even if the lies are not in your words, but rather in your energy and behaviours.

• How unconscious fear-driven actions, even the most well-intentioned, create inauthenticity and codependent patterns.

Can you relate to any of this 'good girl' garbage?

I bet you have similar metaphorical t-shirts hanging around in your closet too.

Perhaps yours says  “PEOPLE PLEASER” ?

It is a sweet & perky colour, yet stained and tattered. 

It signifies poor boundaries, energy depletion and a whole lot of resentment from years of denying your own needs and desires, for the sake of others.

And as many times as you have tried to get rid of it, you cannot because this “nice girl" program…it runs very deep!!

Imagine instead, you find yourself wearing a fiery red bamboo t-shirt that says “I Love Myself First”.  Well-fitted, confident, vibrant.   This is what true self-worth feels like.

If you want to find your perfect fit, I invite you to jump on a quick call with me to see if I can help.

Click here so we can connect!

This chapter of my life was probably the one that provided the most growth, teaching me about authenticity, self-worth, and courage.  I am grateful for both t-shirts. Without them, I could not support others as I do now.

However, as if grief and divorce were not enough struggle, life had more, quite ragged, t-shirts waiting! Ones that would challenge me in ways I never anticipated, forcing me to let go and rebuild from the inside out.

You can find out more about this in the post#3 of the Burning the T-Shirt series here.

See you soon :)